


Eidolon

by Bohemian (Linguam)



Series: Post 3x10: Erchomai [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: #SaveShadowhunters, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Struggling Magnus Bane, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 21:46:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17108681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/pseuds/Bohemian
Summary: "I still feel it."





	Eidolon

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go again...
> 
> Wrote this a long time ago and I'm not really sure what my intentions were back then, but I figured I might as well post it anyway.
> 
> Happy Holidays, everyone! <3

“I still feel it.”

It’s the first thing out of Magnus’s mouth when Alec comes home and finds him tucked into a corner on the bedroom floor, looking small and vulnerable, radiating misery. His head is in his hands, fingers tight in his hair, no consideration at all for the spiked, styled strands.

The words don’t make sense—not because Alec doesn’t understand what Magnus is talking about, but because he _does._ Only one thing can bring that look of pure devastation to Magnus’s eyes, and Alec only just stops himself from blurting out, _But you don’t have it anymore._

It’s not as if Magnus isn’t already painfully aware of the fact.

“How is that possible?” he says instead.

Magnus gives a humorless snort.

“My father’s idea of making sure I never forget what I gave up. What I could have again, if I only accepted his initial offer.”

His eyes, forever glamoured their usual brown, thanks to Catarina, are glazed and unseeing; the natural light in them leeched by a bottomless grief now occupying the place where his magic used to be.

Alec quietly sits down on the floor next to him. He reaches for one of Magnus’s wrists, gently dislodging it from his hair and slotting their hands together. He caresses the knuckles, the skin under his thumb as free of rings as Magnus’s face is of makeup. Magnus is always beautiful, whether he’s dressed to the nines for battle or wearing nothing but one of Alec’s plain t-shirts, ready for bed. But there is a certain softness to him that even Alec has only been privy to a handful of times, when there is no glitter, necklaces, or rings: no flamboyant colors or expensive fabrics: mornings when Alec wakes up first and predawn light bathes Magnus’s skin the color of honey and illuminates his cheekbones, his black hair free of product, soft like the silk sheets they lay on, lashes caressing his cheeks.

Alec is well aware of how much of an honor and a privilege it is, getting to see him so vulnerable, so exposed, and that makes those moments all the sweeter.

There is nothing sweet about this moment.

“This is why you haven’t been sleeping,” he realizes.

Alec has always been a light sleeper—most Shadowhunters are. He knows that Magnus hasn’t slept one uninterrupted night since he lost his magic, tossing and turning and jerking himself awake a couple of times every night, looking drawn and haunted during the day, like he doesn’t know where he belongs anymore, who he _is_ anymore.

To Alec, that’s easy. To him, Magnus is still Magnus, his boyfriend, the love of his life, the kindest, strongest, smartest, most knowledgeable person he knows. But he also knows, even if he can’t understand, not really, how unbalanced Magnus feels without his magic, how bereft.

It makes sense. If Magnus can still _feel_ the magic around him while being unable to use it… it’d be enough to drive anyone insane.

Magnus takes a moment to consider his words.

“Some of it,” he admits. “But mostly, I just feel… _unsafe._ ” He grimaces, as if the admission tastes sour, but he keeps going. “If something were to happen, if someone… came into the loft…”

“Then I’d kill them,” Alec says, and the vehemence with which he utters the words doesn’t surprise him. He is reminded every second of every day just how deep his love for the man sitting across from him goes. There’s absolutely nothing he wouldn’t do to ensure Magnus’s safety.

Magnus’s lips give a weak twitch, not nearly enough to be a smile. Alec suddenly realizes he can’t remember the last time he saw Magnus genuinely smile. The realization makes him feel sick.

“I have every faith in you that you would, my love, but I doubt it will be necessary.” He averts his gaze and sighs. “It’s a stupid fear, anyway.”

Alec shakes his head.

“It’s not. Actually, I think it makes sense.”

“Maybe,” Magnus concedes, after a moment. “But either way, I shouldn’t…”

He trails off and swallows, expression pinched. He doesn’t continue, but Alec has no problem filling in the rest.

_I shouldn’t be scared in my own home._

He squeezes Magnus’s hand, too hard, but he thinks they might both need it. If he could go back in time and trade his life to give Magnus his magic back, to make that look in Magnus’s eyes disappear… He knows Magnus wouldn’t want him to. But he’d still do it in a heartbeat.

Instead, Alec leans in and brushes his lips against Magnus’s temple.

“I know.”

They stay seated on the floor, Magnus silent and pressed against him for that nowadays elusive warmth, until the first rays of sunlight announce the beginning of a new day.

**Author's Note:**

> #SaveShadowhunters


End file.
